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Living Through Miscarriage

That big elephant in the room that nobody ever seems to talk about. Miscarriages.

They happen more often than most think, more than I thought. 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I did not realize that until it happened to me. Well I should say us; My fiance, our kids and I.

The day that changed our lives forever. I will never forget the moment I knew what was going on. It’s like time froze and there was nothing I could do. I just stood there in shock, maybe? Then I cried. My fiance, still holding onto hope that everything was going to be OK while we waited for the EMS to show up. I knew it wasn’t, I felt that it wasn’t. Nothing was OK, not anymore. But he stayed strong and held onto that hope for the both of us. What I would do to turn back time in that moment, and still now to this day.

The Emotions. So many of them. I think anger is the one I struggle with most. Angry at myself, maybe I could have done something differently. Angry at God, how could he let this happen. This man who so many look up to, but how could I look up to someone who could let something so terrible happen to my family? I don’t know, it’s a question I still ask. An answer I have yet found. Then I get mad at myself for being so angry. Sadness, a lot of sadness. The pain, my heart breaks everyday; over and over again. The feeling of failure and guilt, like I failed my baby and I failed my fiance and family because I was unable to carry him. There is also the happy moments, like small flashes, when I remember the time I carried him. When everything was OK. The times we got to hear his heartbeat, what a beautiful sound that was. The times we got to see him on the ultrasound, I will forever cherish those ultrasound pictures. There is an emptiness I feel inside without him here with us.

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The Questions? Who would he have been? What would he have looked like? His personality? His voice? Why did this happen to me and my family? Why was I able to hold my baby but not bring him home? All of these questions rambling through my head. These questions that will never have an answer, but yet I still ask them all the time. 

He. I say he because we were far enough along to know. At least after I had him. I remember the ER nurse coming in to ask if we wanted to know anything about the baby. I said yes. But I stopped right there. I did not know what questions to ask. I did not know what she could tell us in this horrible moment. The words that came out of her mouth, your baby is a Boy. More tears just fell from my eyes. A boy is what we were hoping for, either way we would have been happy. My heart broke a little more because in that moment there was nothing to be happy for.

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Family and Friends. Miscarriage effects more than you, It effected more than myself. My fiance, kids, mother, sister, brother, step-father, grandparents, etc. They were all effected, heart-broken. He was their family too. Grandson, nephew, great-grandson, brother and son. Which brings me back to that big elephant in the room that nobody seems to talk about. I am not just talking about my family either. I get it, it is a hard thing to talk about. Maybe because no one really knows what to say, I know I don’t. I know I can go to my family and talk about what happened, about our angel baby, my feelings. I know a lot of people don’t have anyone they can talk to. However, trying to explain how I feel seems almost impossible, so I don’t.

People say it will get better. Well those people must have never gone through what I did. It does not get better. You have your good days and you have your bad days but it does not get better. You have to learn how to live with it. With this ache in your heart, this emptiness and pain. That huge knot in your throat you feel when you see a mother holding her newborn baby. Or that fear you feel when you see a pregnant woman, praying she never has to go through or feel what you do. Praying she will be lucky enough to bring her baby home. Love it and hold it, cherish that baby. Then you have to deal with the people who say to you “Well something must have been wrong with him” , “He is in a better place” , “Everything happens for a reason” , And the one I can not stand the most;  ” At least y’all already have kids” or ” Y’all had enough kids anyways”. Those are the two that really get under my skin. That would be like someone asking you which one of your children would you like to live without. Sometimes just saying I’m sorry or nothing at all is better.


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I am sorry. To all the women who are living through a miscarriage or miscarriages. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are a mother. I am sorry you have to go through the pain and loss. It is something I would never wish on anyone, ever. Just know you are not alone. There are many of us out there, maybe sitting in silence because that’s really all we know what to do, but we are out there. So to you, your family and your angel baby; I am sorry and you are in my thoughts.


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